Mary Sue and the Umbrella
by Shawn Kelvin
Summary: Essentially, it's the story of what would happen if POTC was set in 2003...Then of course you have to add the very bothersome aspects of Mary Sue and her umbrella. Rating for language, violence, and sensual themes.
1. Previously Unkown History and Corsets

August 2003 Lott, Hillaria  
  
Shawna Black woke up, tears streaming down her face. She was fifteen years old now, but it still hurt her to think of that umbrella. It had been so brave, just floating bravely in that big ocean, and knowing it was going to drown, but bravely carrying on nonetheless.  
  
She recounted the events of the past ten years to herself. At the end of the cruise, her parents had disowned her because she lost a pair of fingernail clippers. Senator Swann had taken her in, which was actually a political move on his part, but conveniant for her all the same.  
  
Senators Swann and Norrington (the Elvis impersonater turned Democratic senator from NY) had stolen all of the money devoted to social security for the entire Clinton administration. They then bought Puerto Rico from Clinton, turned out all of its inhabitants, and moved a bunch of European dissidents there.  
  
The capital city of Puerto Rico, which was comprised solely of English- speaking Englishmen, had been renamed Lott for reasons unkown except to the author and the people in the audience who knew the first thing about American politics.  
  
Puerto Rico itself was renamed Hillaria, because Clinton had given Puerto Rico away during the Monica crisis, and had sold it on the condition that it was renamed after his wife. In an addition to a sort of apology for adultury, it gave Mrs. Clinton a good political advertisement.  
  
William Turner, it turned out, was a low-class Englisman from a small town on the Cornwall coast. He was apprenticed to a sword maker, for fencing and dueling were the national sports of Hillaria.  
  
Elizabeth Swann had grown into a beautiful woman, intent on marrying William Turner, despite her father's wishes she marry Senator Norrington. The father's wishes were inspired by two motives: Norrington was a Democrat, and Frederick was a much better name than William.  
  
When she realized Shawna would become her adopted sister, Elizabeth gave her the gold coin that she had found on William a few days before.  
  
It was this necklace that Shawna pulled out of her dresser drawer and fastened around her neck (I mean, where else do necklaces go?). It was not because this necklace looked particularly attractive on her (or anyone, for that matter), but because it was absolutely vital to the plot.  
  
Shawna examined her reflection carefully, but was interrupted by a bussling maid, entering with a corset.  
  
"Why the corset?"  
  
"Because it makes you look thin. Not only does it do that, it gives Disney an excellent opprotunity to make jokes that where cliché long before the movie Titanic was ever filmed."  
  
"There are corset jokes in Titanic?" Shawna asked blankly.  
  
"Not nearly as overt or silly as in our movie, of course, but Rose has to wear a corset."  
  
"Oh. Ouch! I cannot breathe!" said Shawna, as the corset was put on.  
  
"No, no. You must breathe. It is Elizabeth that cannot breathe. You are not Norrington's object of love. She is."  
  
"Oh. Well, in that case, I can breathe."  
  
Shawna went downstairs, and greeted Elizabeth.  
  
"Such an attractive shape for her body," remarked Senator Swann to Shawna.  
  
"Such an attractive shade of blue for her face," murmured Shawna cynically.  
  
"Now today, girls, Senator Norrington is going to be awarded the Silver Tongue Award," said Senator Swann indulgently.  
  
"The Silver Tongue Award?" choroused Shawna and Elizabeth.  
  
"The Silver Tongue Award is awarded only to the best Democratic politicians."  
  
"What does that mean?" Shawna asked suspiciously.  
  
"It means, simply put, that Frederick has managed to fuck everything up and blame it on the Republicans," Swann replied icily.  
  
"Isn't that what all Democrats do?"  
  
"No, no. Some Democrats don't do it very effectively."  
  
"Shawna, you're becoming more Mary-Sueish," announced Elizabeth dully.  
  
"What?" Shawna asked, offended that she should be labeled a Mary Sue.  
  
"The author is stating her opinions through you, and that is a certain sign of a Mary Sue."  
  
"I am NOT a Mary Sue," shrieked Shawna.  
  
"Actually," said the author quietly, "you are. That's your point in this fanfiction. To be a Mary Sue."  
  
Terror and rage crept into Shawna's eyes.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 


	2. The Dream

Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, its money Disney got from making it to begin with, any of the either sexy or non-sexy actors, or anything else that might even be remotely associated with it. I also do not own any of the parts in here that I have taken word-for-word (except for the characters' names) from any other source, however arcane and unknown to the audience it may be, except for a few AIM conversations I've had. So-do not sue me, I beg of you. That includes you, Tom Clancy, for stealing your style of chapter headings.  
  
WARNING: This is a Mary Sue fan fiction. It is meant to be a Mary Sue fic. The main character is meant to be a fair-haired, light-eyed, girl from America.  
  
WARNING #2: This fan fiction is in some extent politically correct, but only in mocking of that particular leftist system (or is it a Democratically inspired government program?). If you take offense to either me being politically correct or me mocking political correctness, please e- mail me and tell me the exact nature of your complaint.  
  
Author's Note: I have changed several things to the storyline, such as the profession and nationality of the Swanns and the time, for example. These alterations were made for special reasons that might or might not become apparent to you.  
  
Author's Note #2: This fic requires stretching of the imagination. Yes, I know that umbrellas do not have the anatomical characteristics that I have ascribed to them. And I know that animals of two different species cannot mate and have fertile children, and I do know that umbrellas are not a species or alive, anyway. As I said before, use that imagination.  
  
August 1993. A Cruise Liner in the Caribbean  
  
Eight-year-old Elizabeth Swann was watching the moonrise over the deep blue Caribbean Sea. She was on the lowest deck that still was above waterline, and she was thinking about the good-old, swashbuckling days where innocent cruise liners such as the one she was on were looted by pirates who carried innocent girls such as herself off to be slaves at their special pirate sanctuary. She turned to her father, who was drinking cheap beer and trying to look sophisticated at the same time. Elizabeth said, with all the naïve seriousness of a third-grader, "Daddy, I want there to be pirates."  
  
Senator Swann was surprised by this. He turned to his daughter, and said, in a Bronx accent, "But there are pirates, Lizzy. Haven't I taught you about the Republicans?"  
  
"But, Daddy, you said before that they were blood-sucking leeches, not pirates."  
  
"Partisan attacks are ignorant," said a small voice from the right of Elizabeth. Senator and Elizabeth Swann turned to look at the five-year-old who had spoken. This kindergartener had long blonde hair and bright green eyes, and it was obvious from these eyes that she was a very intelligent blonde.  
  
"They are not ignorant," retorted Senator Swann huffily, slamming his cheap beer bottle on the table that was located conveniently nearby, "unless they are made by Republicans."  
  
Elizabeth, who had grown bored with the conversation, looked at the moon over the sea again. Politics were soooo boring, anyway. She sighed, forgetting the moon and looking down into the water. If only her daddy weren't a senator, and if only he had a bit more romance about him. They would be able to live in Manhattan or one of their various cottages around the country for the full year round, not in stuffy Washington, DC. This was the Swann's first vacation since June, which was by far too long for them to not have a vacation.  
  
Unfortunately for her, a small, open umbrella in the water soon interrupted Elizabeth's thoughts. She thought that this was a very odd thing to be in the water. I mean, the umbrella could get hurt in all that water, or it might even drown. While she was wondering how to persuade her father to jump into the water after an umbrella, the toddler and her father continued to argue.  
  
"Now, see here, you are by far too young to understand anything about the nature of partisan attacks made against Republicans, or Democrats for that matter. It is a delicate nature of the media and political correctness!" Swann raved. In the process of raving, however, he knocked over his cheap beer. It fell (because it had been knocked over, remember?) and spilled (because the cap wasn't on, you know) onto his new $14,000 shoes.  
  
Swearing, he rushed back into the ship in order to change his shoes.  
  
The toddler turned to Elizabeth, who turned to the toddler.  
  
"There is an umbrella in the water," declared Elizabeth solemnly.  
  
"My name is Shawna," stated the toddler simultaneously.  
  
"That's nice, but there is an umbrella in the water."  
  
"I'm glad you care about my name, and let's see what we can do about this umbrella in the water."  
  
Shawna and Elizabeth peeked over the side of the boat once more, and the two saw two different things.  
  
Elizabeth saw a boy floating on a raft, and Shawna saw the umbrella.  
  
And the umbrella saw Shawna. Really saw Shawna.  
  
The two made eye contact, and that lasted for an eternity. Well, if three seconds can be an eternity. It would have been more than three seconds, of course, but Elizabeth shrieked,  
  
"THERE'S A BOY IN THE WATER!"  
  
"What boy?" Shawna asked, absently.  
  
"THAT boy, the boy in the suspiciously Georgian clothes floating on a raft made of wood, even thought that's silly, as this is nearly the year 2000!"  
  
"And that was a sentence very badly put together, and should have been used in the narration to describe the boy," said Shawna coolly. She was pissed off, because the umbrella had disappeared, and she had not been able to watch it go because of the boy.  
  
"Oh," said Elizabeth.  
  
An Elvis impersonator came flying out the nearest door. Well, not literally flying. That's anatomically incorrect, although umbrellas making eye contact is, too. But this is an anatomical detail that needs to be attended to, whereas personification is necessary in the case of an umbrella. The first sentence in this paragraph should read:  
  
An Elvis impersonator came from the nearest door, running at a very high speed. "I will save the boy," he said gallantly, and jumped into the water. A few minutes later, he came back, this time with the boy who was dressed in 1700s clothes.  
  
"Here is your boy. If this had been a real cruise ship, instead of a setting in a very silly Mary Sue fanfic, the boy and the raft would have been left behind long before I could even have come out to save him. Don't forget that the raft probably would have been swept underneath the cruise ship, too."  
  
Senator Swann returned, this time with a glass of cheap wine to go with his now replaced shoes. He still had the air of pretentious sophistication about him, along with a glass of Bordeaux bottled the year before. "Hello, Elizabeth. What has happened here while I was away?"  
  
"Well, first there was an umbrella in the water, then there was a boy in the water, and then there was a guy who saved the boy in the water, but not the umbrella," explained Elizabeth.  
  
"And now," cried the Elvis impersonator eagerly, "there is a burning ship in the water, and there is a black-sailed ship sailing away at an abnormally high pace."  
  
"Dear, dear, this is all very tiring," sighed the Senator. "Mr. Elvis Impersonator, please take the boy to the ship doctor. And, Elizabeth, watch over him. It won't do a whit of good for my marriage plans for you, but it will work wonders for the plot."  
  
Mr. Elvis Impersonator grinned. "My actual name is Frederick Norrington. I will do your bidding with pleasure."  
  
While Norrington was licking Sen. Swann's boot, Elizabeth was talking to the boy and stealing his possessions.  
  
"I am Elizabeth Swann. Do not be afraid," she said in the authorative voice that most would reserve to an angel of the Lord.  
  
"William Turner," whispered the boy pathetically, and fainted.  
  
"Most unbecoming to the hero of the story," muttered Shawna.  
  
After the boy fainted, Elizabeth took a necklace from him. "Thanks," she whispered to the unconscious boy.  
  
Senator Swann smiled indulgently at Norrington, and walked off to another deck.  
  
Only Shawna remained, staring out at the horizon. She had tears in her eyes, tears for losing her umbrella. 


	3. Eyeliner Is Not Always the Best Option

August, 2003. Lott, Hillaria. Ten minutes after the last word in Chapter Two.  
  
While her father was trying to calm Shawna down, Elizabeth slipped out of the house, and ran after William.  
  
"Good day, William! Did you know that it is exceedingly difficult to speak and breathe, except to you?"  
  
"No, Miss Swann."  
  
"Call me Elizabeth."  
  
"No, Miss Swan."  
  
"Call me Elizabeth, damn it! I cannot believe you're rejecting my friendly overtures!"  
  
"No, Miss Swann, and I suggest that you start believing it."  
  
"Good day, Mister Turner. I hope you feel the full effect of my biting use of Mister." She turned and flounced back to the house.  
  
"I missed it, Elizabeth."  
  
Shortly thereafter, Senator Swann, Elizabeth Swann, and Shawna Black went to Senator Frederick Norrington's award ceremony.  
  
Meanwhile, Jack Sparrow's dramatic entrance was performed expertly.  
  
The comedy of this scene is commonly lost on fan girls. You see, they are too busy obsessing over the eyeliner. Even intelligent girls, who are commonly unaffected by fangirlism, get obsessed over Johnny Depp's eyeliner. One would think that they have something better to do than obsess over eyeliner, but apparently they do not. For some reason dreadlocks and eyeliner are major turn-ons. It is also interesting how many people have the exact same fetishes.  
  
Anyway, as the comedic effects of Jack's entrance scene were lost on the eyeliner obsessed fan girls, Jack landed on the dock. However, it was not a wooden dock. It was made of concrete. The worst kind of concrete. The sort of concrete found in the Soviet Union, Ukraine, Czechoslovakia, Poland, Hungary, and other Iron Curtain countries.  
  
But, being Communist concrete, it was made very badly. As Jack stepped out onto the dock, the dock itself collapsed, and he landed in the water. "Damn," he said irritably as he was submerged.  
  
He emerged from the water-without any eyeliner.  
  
"NO!" shrieked the fan girls. "NOT A JACK WITHOUT ANY EYELINER!"  
  
The author rolled her eyes.  
  
"WE ARE COMING TO KILL YOU!" the fan girls shrieked to the author.  
  
"I thought so," the author said dryly. "That's why I'm in an undisclosed location-in a fan girl-proof bunker."  
  
"GRRR!" shrieked the fan girls again.  
  
To make a long story short, everybody ignored the fan girls.  
  
Jack climbed onto the remains of the Communist concrete dock, and came face to face with two members of the Hillarian National Guard, the local military force.  
  
"Greetings," said the first member of the Hillarian National Guard.  
  
"Welcome," said the second member of the Hillarian National Guard.  
  
"How are you today?" asked the first member of the Hillarian National Guard.  
  
"What are you doing today?" asked the second member of the Hillarian National Guard.  
  
"You have to answer a few of our questions," said the first member of the Hillarian National Guard.  
  
"We would love it if we could escort you to a place where you could answer questions," said the second member of the Hillarian National Guard.  
  
Jack looked confusedly at them. "Why?" He looked suspiciously at their uniforms, which were hot pink and sea green.  
  
"Mum's the word," said the first Hillarian guard mysteriously.  
  
"To be precise: dumb's the word," added the second Hillarian guard in a serious voice.  
  
Jack went along with the two members of the National Hillarian Guard, to a badly built concrete building.  
  
"Fill these out," directed the first Hillarian guard, giving Jack a stack of papers.  
  
"What the hell are these?"  
  
"Bureaucratic barriers designed to keep you out of our country," said the second member of the Hillarian National Guard.  
  
"Okay," Jack said, and he began to fill them out. "Hey, aren't these just those surveys that teenagers with nothing better to do with their lives fill out online?"  
  
"Yes. From livejournal."  
  
"And deadjournal."  
  
"And blurty."  
  
"And xanga."  
  
"No, not xanga."  
  
"Yes, xanga."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
Jack slipped out as the two members of the Hillarian National Guard argued over xanga, and climbed onto a reproduction of either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria. He then started to lift up the anchor and prepare it for sailing.  
  
The Hillarian National Guard did not pick its members for their intelligence, and, unlike the actual movie, the HNG did not notice that Jack was making off with one of their ships.  
  
Meanwhile, the most amusing of all scenes in the movie (to people who like corset jokes, anyway) was taking place:  
  
"I really do love you, Elizabeth. I've loved you since I first laid eyes on you," Senator Norrington said.  
  
"Pedophile!" croaked Elizabeth, gasping for air.  
  
"Well, I even love you more now that you're eighteen."  
  
"You're old enough to be my father," Elizabeth gurgled.  
  
"That means I will love you even more, because I have even more years of ungiven love in me."  
  
Elizabeth was about to reply to this, when Shawna (who had actually been there all along) pushed her into the water, and jumped in after her.  
  
Jack, meanwhile, had already started sailing. He was right next to the cliff when the two girls landed in the water, and accordingly jumped overboard to save at least one of them.  
  
This being a Mary Sue fic, he saved Shawna instead of Elizabeth. Shawna, who had much gratitude for his effort, slapped Jack straight across the face, knocking him into the water.  
  
"Damn it!" Jack said as he splashed in the water again. "Well, I might as well save the other tart." He accordingly rescued Elizabeth from the water, and threw her up onto one of the concrete docks, which broke immediately upon the arrival of her weight.  
  
The HNG pulled Jack from the water and arrested him.  
  
Shawna watched all this from the ship (either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria, remember) with great satisfaction. "I cannot believe that Johnny Depp tried to save me without his eyeliner on," she said at last. 


	4. Just how politically literate are pirate...

Author's Note: This chapter requires a bit of an explenation, so-Yeah.In the movie, the Black Pearl sort of randomly shows up at Port Royal and starts blowing it up, so I decided to explain why it was, while doing a sort of mocking of American.political discussion. And this is the part (I think) where I start inserting random British slang, sometimes it's explained, sometimes it's not. Get used to it. And I apologize for misspelling impersonator in Chapter One.  
  
August, 2003. The Black Pearl  
  
Captain Barbosa stared solemnly out over the Caribbean horizon, clutching an apple in his left hand.  
  
"Alright, me 'earty crew," he said, turning around to face his hearty crew. "This is the point in the story where we get ready to attack Lott. Now, for some reason unbeknownst to the audience, we know exactly where the last piece of Spanish gold is and who has it."  
  
"How do we know who has our gold?"  
  
"Because it calls to us."  
  
"I don't 'alf 'ear it," muttered the pirate with the eyeball that is always falling out. "Are you sure you're not invading a sovereign nation on faulty intelligence?"  
  
"My intelligence is not for the general public to see," sniffed Barbosa.  
  
"We're not the general public," protested another member of the crew.  
  
"Yeah, we're your-"  
  
"You, me 'earties, are simply my grunts. It's better for the men on the ground to be stupid imbeciles who know nothing about what they are about to do," said Barbosa, throwing his apple at the nearest crewmember.  
  
"Oh, yeah?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Well, the Aztec medallion actually might never have existed!"  
  
"Yeah, how do we know it even did exist? It might just be lies told by the CIA!"  
  
"Actually, the CIA posted a report online that said that the said medallion never existed."  
  
"Well, we simply created the problem of the curse."  
  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" demanded the entire crew, looking at the crewmember who said that they had created the curse.  
  
"Well, if we created the curse, we have to live with it, don't we? It's really like the United States invading Iraq. The US gave them the WMD to begin with-"  
  
"I thought you just said that the WMD never existed to begin with!"  
  
"The said WMD were just lies told by the CIA!"  
  
"I thought that was the Aztec gold."  
  
"No, the WMD were just lies told by the administration so that it could get cheap oil."  
  
"Oh, yeah? Well, how come oil prices have risen after the war?"  
  
"The war isn't even over!"  
  
"It's another Vietnam!"  
  
"The UN won Vietnam!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" screamed Barbosa. The crew all looked embarrassed. "You are not political bureaucratic hacks in Washington; you are stupid pirates on a ship. We are cursed men, are we not?"  
  
"AYE!" shouted the pirates.  
  
"And since this is a Disney movie, even the bad guys get redemption, right?" demanded Barbosa, who would later be killed off by Disney.  
  
"AYE!"  
  
"So the curse has to end, right?"  
  
"AYE!"  
  
"Which means, of course, that we have to make the curse end, so that the plot can move on, right?"  
  
"AYE!"  
  
"And since the hero and heroine, as well as the Mary Sue, have to get involved with the bad guys somehow, it's logical to suppose that the stolen gold would be in their possession, right?"  
  
"AYE!"  
  
"So what are we waiting for?"  
  
"A mandate from the United Nations!"  
  
"Excuse me, WHAT are we waiting for?"  
  
"NOTHING!"  
  
"There you go, me 'earties."  
  
And so the Black Pearl set out for Hillaria. 


	5. Are Democrats really politically correct...

August, 2003.  
Hillaria State Prison  
"You, Jack Sparrow, are condemned to hang by the neck until you are dead."  
Ignoring that the Hillarian soldier left the "Captain" was left off of his  
name, Jack said, "Can't we just hang me by the neck until I'm a little bit  
sick?"  
"No," said the guard, closing the cell door and locking it.  
"Excuse me," Jack said, trying to poke his head through the bars, "but  
wasn't this a state founded by Democrats?"  
"It was. Point being?"  
"Why do you have capital punishment?"  
"For plot purposes, of course. Do you have a problem?"  
"Yes, I do. I object to being hanged by the neck until dead to further the  
plot of a Mary Sue fan fiction."  
"Well, my friend, live with it." With that, the guard stomped off.  
"Bloody hell, can't I get a break? First my comedic entrance is ignored by  
my fans, then concrete collapses and I lose my eyeliner, next I get  
interrogated by a bunch of petty bureaucrats, and finally I save two girls  
only to be hanged by the neck, not until I'm a little bit sick, but  
bleeding DEAD. What kind of Disney movie is this?"  
The audience tutted and threw popcorn at the screen. "Bloody whiner needs  
to count his blessings. It might be a tragedy instead of a comedy."  
"That was a bit of a damp squib," said the only member of the audience who  
had not thrown popcorn.  
"What the hell is a damp squib?" asked the audience who had thrown popcorn.  
  
"It's an obscure British English phrase from 1910 that practically nobody  
knows of," said the member of the audience who had not thrown popcorn.  
"Oh." 


	6. The Short and Crazed Last Reflections of...

August, 2003. On either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria  
  
Shawna felt lonely. She was on a great big ship, and all alone. Plus, she didn't know how to sail it. Thankfully, this ship hadn't yet floated entirely out of the port of Lott-yet. But it was close. Just a few more yards, and she'd be out on the Spanish Main.  
  
Realizing that the wide expanse of the Caribbean would mean certain death for her, she started putting her last affairs in order. In the captain's cabin, she had found a pen and paper.  
  
"Dear Person Who Finds My Dead Body,  
  
"My name is Shawna Black. After being rescued by Johnny Depp without eyeliner, I was stranded on this ship, and starved to death.  
  
"I can only say that I am very grateful to Senator Swann for taking me into his care after my parents disowned me for losing a pair of fingernail clippers, and that I feel like a right burk for shoving Elizabeth into the water in the first place.  
  
"I shoved her into the water because I was jealous. She has dozens and dozens of suitors, and the only person who's ever shown romantic interest in me, even though I *am* the beautiful and intelligent Mary Sue in the story, wasn't a person at all. It was an umbrella.  
  
"I still remember those three seconds where we made eye contact. I can see that brave umbrella, bravely keeping its handle above water, but knowing all the while that it was an hopeless situation.  
  
"I only hope that I can be as brave as that umbrella was so many years ago.  
  
"All my possessions are to be left to Elizabeth, except for the eyeliner, which is to be left to Johnny Depp.  
  
"S.B."  
  
No sooner had she scrawled the last swirl on her "B" than did the Black Pearl come streaming past her, into the harbor.  
  
"It's a ship," Shawna stated. "HEY, SCARY BLACK PIRATEY LOOKING SHIP!" she called. "COULD YOU SAVE ME?"  
  
Barbosa and his entire crew looked at Shawna.  
  
"She's rather pretty," murmured the pirate whose lousy eye is a running joke in the movie.  
  
"Let's save her," said his friend.  
  
Deciding it would be a good thing (for whatever reason), Barbosa gave the two pirates permission to save Shawna. "Now, the rest of you, kill, rape, pillage, plunder, murder, slaughter-" here he pulled out Roget's Thesaurus "-sack, loot, ransack, raid, rifle, rop, pilfer, ravage, maraud, despoil, fleece, strip, and otherwise damage the town, me rapacious 'earties!"  
  
"Wot does rapacious mean?"  
  
"Shut up, would you, and burn the town down. OPEN FIRE!" Barbosa said, indicating the cannon.  
  
The pirates accordingly opened fire, and Shawna was rescued from the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria. 


	7. Polite Pillaging Poppets

August, 2003. Lott, Hillaria. The Blacksmith's Shop and Senator Swann's Residence.  
  
As the pirates pillaged and otherwise damaged the town of Lott, Will wondered exactly why his opponent would not die, no matter what he did to them. Finally, he decided upon a method that could not fail.  
  
"Would you please lie down and die?" he asked his contender politely. "It would be very useful to me."  
  
"I 'ave no doubt of that," the pirate replied. "However, I cannot. But, since you are a very good and polite fighter, I will merely knock you out and kidnap the love of your life, as opposed to cutting your throat. Deal?"  
  
"Er-" Will began, but he was cut off by another pirate throwing something at the back of his head.  
  
"I'm afraid you didn't have any choice in the matter," said the first pirate, as he and the person who had thrown the large blunt object at Will's head went off to Senator Swann's residence.  
  
Elizabeth realized that she was in danger of certain death after the pirates killed her father's snobbish footman, and ran into her room and locked it. "Run away!" she told her maid.  
  
"Right, right. Run away! Run away! Run away!" said the maid, climbing out the window. Unfortunately, she didn't get far, as a large wooden rabbit came crashing down onto her.  
  
"THAT was cliché," announced a critic.  
  
"Dude, this is a parody. By now, there are so many parodies out there that this entire thing is cliché," shot back the author. "However, there aren't many rpardodys. I think that this should be an rpardody-"  
  
"What the hell is a rpardody?" demanded the critic.  
  
"It is a manifestation of my poor typing skills," replied the author. "Now, would you please settle down and criticize the rest of my story?"  
  
"Oi, poppet, Would you loike t' come out and join th' kerfluffle?" said one pirate in a Cockney accent to a closet door, behind which he assumed Elizabeth was hiding.  
  
Elizabeth peeked out of another closet, and thought: "That man is a wazzock of the first water."  
  
The critic tapped the author's shoulder again. "Excuse me, but what the hell is a wazzock of the first water?"  
  
"It means that the said pirate is an outstanding moron."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"No problem."  
  
The pirate who was not a wazzock of the first water spotted Elizabeth. "There she is," he cried, and moved in for the kill. "Give it to us, poppet! Our reliable intelligence sources state that you have something of value to us. Give it to us, and we may let you live. If not-"  
  
"The first root of the word parliament!" shrieked Elizabeth, too discombobulated to remember the word "Parlay."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Parli-It comes from a french word meaning to talk. It's, like, parlay."  
  
"Oh, parlay. What the chuffin' 'eck does that mean?"  
  
"It means 'take me to your leader, you fucking morons,'" Elizabeth snapped.  
  
"Oh. Okay, we'll take you to 'im."  
  
"Very much obliged." 


	8. Transvestite Lieutenants and Curious Lit...

August, 2003. The Black Pearl.  
  
"She asked for parlay, sir," said an apologetic pirate to Barbosa.  
  
"You bloody fools, your instructions were simple. Get the gold, and kill everybody."  
  
"But-she asked for parlay."  
  
"Yes, I asked for parlay. And so they brought me to you," interrupted Elizabeth. "Now, what do you want?"  
  
"I want a small piece of gold, it has a skull on crossbones on one side," Barbosa said bluntly. "It is of little value to yourself, and of great value to my crew and myself. Could you please hand it over?"  
  
"You killed an entire village for a little piece of gold?!" snorted Elizabeth. "And it turns out that I don't even have it. Oh, you barm pot."  
  
"Barm pot?" Barbosa asked.  
  
"It means 'kook', sir," said another pirate.  
  
"Oh. You called me a kook."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Bloody b-"  
  
"Sir, I protest! I am a lady. Ladies should not be called b-"  
  
"Nor should they say it. Well, meet me for dinner. It's well past the dinner hour, of course, but meet me for dinner in a few minutes all the same," said Barbosa hurriedly. "If you don't like the dress your wearing now, my transvestite lieutenant will be glad to supply you with another."  
  
"Oi, I dressed up like that on a dare, not because I'm-"  
  
"Do shut up, you silly sod, you're giving me a migrane."  
  
"Slaphead," muttered the transvestite lieutenant angrily.  
  
Shawna was watching the procedings from atop a cannon with indifference. She knew where that piece of gold was, and she figured Elizabeth knew, as well. But why Elizabeth didn't say this was unknown to her.  
  
A monkey appeared, seemingly from nowhere. It started chattering and pointing at her.  
  
"Curious," remarked Elizabeth.  
  
"That is my monkey, George," said Barbosa.  
  
"Curious name, George."  
  
"He is a little monkey," announced a random pirate.  
  
"Barbosa, you don't have-" Shawna began, only to be interrupted by Barbosa's shout of:  
  
"That's CAPTAIN Barbosa."  
  
"Er, anyway, you don't have a pointed yellow hat."  
  
"Why the devil should I need a pointed yellow hat?"  
  
"Because you have a curious little monkey called George," Shawna said logically.  
  
"What the hell?"  
  
"Never mind," said a sullen Shawna. She turned to the audience. "Did you understand that?"  
  
"No," said the audience.  
  
"You are idiots." 


	9. Virtue is Only Triumphant in Theatrical ...

(Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews, thank you very much! And, to my one flame, or close to it-I acknowledge that I am a bit too political in fanfiction, but, as I was writing part of it at the same time as a political rant, it was a bit-inavoidable.or is it unavoidable? *sighs* Anyway, I'll cut some of it out, except where it's relevant to the plot, such as this entire chapte, although it's more left-wing in this one. And I'm glad somebody caught the Curious George. There's hope for this world yet.)  
  
August 2003. Lott, Hillaria. The Public Square.  
  
"The Socialist State of Hillaria condemns thee, Jack Sparrow, to be hanged by the neck until dead on charges of saving Elizabeth Swann's life after saving Shawna Black's life. Do you have any last words?"  
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. Firstly, I am CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow. ((a/n: Couldn't resist)) Secondly, I didn't have a fair trial with a jury of my peers. Thirdly, this is a Mary Sue fic, so I had no option but to save Mary Sue first. Finally, I'm the good guy, so you shouldn't be hanging me so much to the point of being a little bit sick, let alone dead."  
  
"Those are very awe-inspiring words," said the hangman sarcastically as he tightened the noose around Jack's neck. "Anything else?"  
  
"This is supposedly a politically correct fan fiction. That means there CANNOT be capital punishment or anything like that!" replied Jack fretfully.  
  
"You misread the author's note. She said that this taunted politically correct institutions, and was not politically correct in itself."  
  
"She said it was politically correct, and by being politically correct, it taunted political correctness. She said that she wasn't anatomically correct. It's not the same thing, you know."  
  
"Who gives a damn about the author, anyway?" growled the hangman. "It's not like she controls the story!"  
  
"That is true," the author said plaintively. "I have no control over whether or not you hang Jack. In fact, I say hang him-he is an evil criminal, anyway, for even letting a Mary Sue live."  
  
"HEY! I thought I was the good guy. You know, Robin Hood was an outlaw, too. But he was still the good guy."  
  
"Robin Hood was a socialistic bastard, even though his views were the best way to go at the time," retorted the author. "Which reminds me of something else I need to parody . . ."  
  
The hangman gawked as the author whipped out a keyboard and began to type furiously.  
  
"'Ere, wot the 'ell are you doing?" he said in protest. It was at this moment in time that one William Tell raised a longbow and shot the part of the rope that was just above Jack's head, cutting it cleanly in two.  
  
"Now," the author said, "I have decided that Jack will escape, not only by having his death rope cut in two, but by throwing three allusions together, so as to confuse you, the hangman."  
  
"Huh?" said the audience.  
  
"One: Robin Hood, Men in Tights. Two: William Tell. Three: William Turner. The complexity of that will confuse the hangman, allowing Jack to escape."  
  
"Huh?" repeated the audience.  
  
Suddenly, the author's keyboard was taken away from her, as she had done way too much damage already, and she was shoved into a straight jacket and locked up in the Chateau d'If.  
  
A new noose was secured around Jack's neck, and the hangman reached for the switch, and pulled it. Jack fell through the trapdoor.  
  
While this was happening, William Turner was just beginning to revive from having a polite pirate hurl a large blunt object at his head.  
  
"Where am I?" he wondered aloud, propping himself up on one elbow. "It looks like I'm under a platform of sorts, surrounded by a lot of people. Hmmm." After these splendid observations, he decided to get up. Just as he was starting this action, a large wooden trapdoor opened directly above him, and as he completed the action, two (2) boots landed on his shoulders. "OUCH!" Will screamed, but he didn't fall back down. "I have two (2) boots on my shoulders!"  
  
"That you do, love," said the voice whose owner owned the boots. "And thank you for saving me from hanging. That is, as long as you don't move."  
  
What happened was that somebody or something, most likely aliens, had moved Jack from the town to under the scaffold during his state of unconsciousness. And he had stood up just as Jack had come crashing down through the trapdoor, and he was now standing on tiptoe-on Will's shoulders. Unfortunately for Jack, the blacksmith was rather short, and he was still entangled in a very tight noose.  
  
"Why are they hanging you?" Will asked Jack.  
  
"I rescued Mary Sue first, as opposed to Elizabeth Swann."  
  
"Elizabeth is my girlfriend, sort of. I think she likes me. But so does Senator Norrington. Likes Elizabeth, I mean. Not me."  
  
"You know, adolescent love problems are just precisely what I want my last thoughts to be on. That, and contemplation about how horrible strangling slowly to death is. If you could grow three inches within the next five seconds, I could have more support than just my tip-toes on your shoulders."  
  
"You're very ponderous."  
  
"Are you calling me fat?" Jack demanded.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well, I'm not. If I were really fat, I'd be dead by now, and you'd be hamburger underneath me. What were you doing sleeping under a gallows, anyway?"  
  
"Let's just say that I didn't have a choice in the matter. Really, do you think you might have gone on a diet before this?"  
  
"It's just all my muscle that's slowly grinding your shoulders into dust, okay?"  
  
"Shut up, please. Do you have any ideas for saving my shoulders?" Will demanded, annoyed and hurting.  
  
"Well, I have an idea for saving my life and your shoulders, yes. But your head might not like it," Jack said. With that, he pushed off of Will's shoulders, threw his feet onto Will's head, and jumped as best he could back onto the platform (Will sank into unconsciousness). "Kids, do not try this at home. In real life, I would have been unable to jump back onto the platform, and I would be dead by now. So just ignore the scientific impossibility, please."  
  
"You're not saved yet!" declared Senator Norrington, eyeing the still- living Jack beadily. "But, since hanging does not seem to work with you, I will tell the Hillarian National Guard to shoot you instead."  
  
"I'm very pleased with your decision," said Jack sarcastically. The hangman removed the noose, shoved Jack back down the steps, and hauled him off to be shot.  
  
Ten members of the Hillarian National Guard raised their rifles at the blindfolded and bound pirate that stood before them. "Ready-aim-"  
  
During this ruckus, the author, still stuck in a straight jacket, ran to the nearest keyboard and began banging it with the side of her head, hoping that the right letters would come out in the right order.  
  
Before the lieutenant or whoever could shout "fire", twenty members from Amnesty International ran in between the guns and Jack. Another five people grabbed Jack and dragged him off. The initial twenty charged the guns, nine people were fatally shot. The man with the blank in his rifle pulled the trigger, but, as it was just a blank, it only succeeded in giving his target a very black face (and temper).  
  
To make a long story short, the people who were supposed to execute Jack were executed themselves, and in a far more grisly fashion. Amnesty International freed him, and gave him a very fast ship, with the unconscious William as first mate and entire crew. They managed to put several miles between them and Hillaria.  
  
That was before, of course, the author was pulled away from the keyboard and locked in a small cell.  
  
After this unfortunate occurrence, Senator Norrington sent the Navy Joint Chief of Staff Leahy with several battleships after Jack and Will. But all was well in this respect. After all, Leahy was a Democrat from an inland state being controlled by Democrats, and the military never does work well when it is run by or controlled by Democrats. It was thus that the small fleet that set out from Lott ended up in Las Vegas. 


	10. Guess Who's Serving Dinner?

August, 2003. The Black Pearl Just After We Last Left It, Before Jack Narrowly Escaped Being Hanged. Dinner With Barbosa.  
  
Shawna, Elizabeth, and Barbosa were sitting around a table laden with delicious goodies and treats.  
  
"These are very delicious," Elizabeth announced.  
  
Shawna glared angrily at Barbosa, and said, "You are a villain."  
  
"Why do you say that?" Barbosa snapped, glaring.  
  
"It is because I, as Mary Sue, realize things that the former heroine, Elizabeth, is too stupid to realize."  
  
Elizabeth buried her face in a bowl of mashed potatoes.  
  
"I have better manners, too," Shawna added primly. "And I will unexpectedly pull the most cliché thing that a self-sufficient damsel in distress could pull. You, of course, will be too stupid to know what I'm about to do until I do it, and you'll only realize that I've done it when you're dead."  
  
Barbosa nodded. "Sounds about right. But what could you do that is both cliché and always unexpected by the villain?"  
  
"THIS!" shrieked Shawna as she slid a dinner knife across Barbosa's throat. "Ew, that's really disgusting," she added as Barbosa's blood slid down his neck. "Next time I'll stab you in the heart. But, of course, now that you're dead, there won't be a next time."  
  
"Think again, girlie," sniggered Barbosa as his throat healed before their very eyes.  
  
"Damn it, I forgot the other silly aspect of these Disney movies. The bad guy doesn't get killed until the very end. There's always magic involved, too."  
  
"Yes. I am cursed. Go outside," he ordered, shoving both Shawna and the still silent Elizabeth out onto the deck, where a pack of evil, laughing skeletons greeted them.  
  
"I don't believe in ghost stories," Shawna announced dully. "This is all an hallucination inspired by not being on dry land for the past eight hours."  
  
"You don't believe in ghosts?" asked Elizabeth in a curious voice.  
  
"No."  
  
"I DO believe in ghosts, I DO believe in ghosts, I DO believe in ghosts, I DO believe in ghosts," said Elizabeth, grabbing her tail and pulling on it frantically.  
  
"You'll believe more than that when I get through with you," cackled Barbosa in a very high and screechy voice. "Wait, wrong ghost story."  
  
"See? The ghosts bumble too much," Shawna sighed. "How pathetic." During this, she had taken the medallion out of her bosom and waved it around subconsciously.  
  
"IT'S THE FINAL PIECE OF GOLD!" roared Barbosa, and he and his crew fell on Shawna, clawing and trying to get the gold. Unfortunately, Shawna grew hysterical at the prospect of seventy skeletons jumping on her at the same time, and flung the piece overboard.  
  
"Damn it! Two of you, jump in the water and find it. Two of you others, lock our guests in the brig. They've worn out their welcome. Besides, we'll need Miss Turner here (indicating Elizabeth) to bleed for us."  
  
"I have to bleed? And die? At the hands of disgustingly unsexy you?" Elizabeth gasped, and fainted into the arms of one of the skeletons. Two others dragged Shawna, kicking and screaming, off to the brig. 


	11. Las Vegas, USA: Land of Moral Superiorit...

August, 2003. Las Vegas, Nevada. Happy Times Brothel.  
  
(Author's Note: I am not in any way trying to write an editorial on the character of Senator Leahy [D-VT], nor am I trying to criticize the character of men in the navy or any branch of the armed services.And this is just a way of getting back to the Caribbean with Leahy-and, yes, Dean is here, but only for the purpose of putting to use a certain book I have.)  
  
Leahy lay happily on a bed, relieved that his latest-er-adventure hadn't been too expensive.  
  
"Get out of here, already," said his-prostitute, lighting up a cigarette. "You've been in here too long."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Fuck off," she snapped.  
  
"I'll f-"  
  
"Not anymore, you won't. Go away."  
  
"Make me!"  
  
"Alright!" With that, she pulled out a 9 mm pistol from under the pillow and chased him into a casino. "And stay there!"  
  
Leahy was, needless to say, miffed-and even more miffed when Howard Dean found him at the blackjack table.  
  
"Just what I wouldn't have expected from a fellow Vermonter," Dean said in a sanctimonious tone of voice.  
  
"Hello to you, too."  
  
Dean smiled dangerously. "Just imagine-somebody with as much importance as yourself in a gambling hall."  
  
"Well, what are you doing in here?"  
  
The candidate looked distressed for a second, then said: "I'm looking for votes, not gambling."  
  
"In Las Vegas?!"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Here, the author decided to introduce a script form, because this dialogue was going to go on for quite some time.  
  
Leahy: "You're desperate!"  
  
Dean: "Quit trying to insult me, you nitwit!"  
  
Leahy: "With just one more brain, what a half-wit you'd be!"  
  
Dean: "Sweep on, you fat and greasy citizen!"  
  
Leahy: "Peace, good tickle-brain! I meant no offense."  
  
Dean: "No offense my ass! Your mother's name is ominous to childrern!"  
  
Leahy: "I am sure, though you know what temperance should be, you know not what it is."  
  
Dean: "You silly sod! You're drunk!"  
  
Leahy: "No, for drink, sir, is a great provoker of only three things: nose- painting, sleep, and urine."  
  
Dean: "Liar, you're drunk. Amend your ways!"  
  
Leahy: "Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life."  
  
Dean: "Reply not to me with a fool-born jest."  
  
Leahy *sneering*: "Thou wilt fall backward when thou hast more wit."  
  
Dean: "Well, at least I can't see my pride peep through each part of me!"  
  
Finally, the casino manager threw the two of them out of the building.  
  
"Wait-wait!" Leahy cried, before Dean could launch into another tirade from Shakespeare. "I have an idea. Will you come along with us, Dean, to capture Jack Sparrow?"  
  
"Jack Sparrow?"  
  
"He is a Republican, or at least acts like one, terrorizing the coast of Hillaria."  
  
"Not Hillaria?!"  
  
"Yes, Hillaria. It'll look really good on your political résumé-"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because it would spoil the plot, and wreck the chances of Norrington and Swann to be really really important characters."  
  
With that, Leahy left Las Vegas and sailed towards Lott, Hillaria. 


	12. Let's End the Curse, Shall We?

August, 2003. Isle of Death. The Black Pearl.  
  
"Okay, here were are," Barbosa said, a bit dully. "The Island of a language that is either Spanish or French, but it means Isle of Death. Now that we have the last piece of gold, for we managed to retrieve it after Shawna threw it overboard, we can end the curse!"  
  
"Yay!" shouted the men.  
  
"As a result, we will be able to die, so our piratical adventures will be much more dangerous and far less fearsome."  
  
"Boo!" shouted the men.  
  
"However, we will be able to eat, drink, and be merry."  
  
"But we'll still die!" shouted the men.  
  
"SO? You'll be able to be physically satisfied!"  
  
"Yay!" shouted the men.  
  
"So, let's go end the curse!" Barbosa roared, and all the men screamed their approval. Elizabeth and Shawna exchanged nervous glances as they were shoved into a longboat and rowed into the cave.  
  
"Bloody hell!" said Shawna when she saw the fabulous wealth arrayed before her. "And they want to be able to die, when they could have all this forever?"  
  
"It seems like such a waste, especially of my life," Elizabeth observed curtly.  
  
"Of LIFE in general." Shawna grabbed a handful of precious gems and stuffed it into her pocket, regardless of the first commandment of Georgian girls' clothing-Thou shalt not be female and have pockets at the same time. 


	13. Short, Sweet, and Pointless

August, 2003 Either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria.  
  
Captain Jack Sparrow handed Will a sword. "Carry that, don't lose it, and whatever you do, don't do anything stupid with it!"  
  
"Hey, why are we here? I mean, I know why you are here-to reacquire the Black Pearl. But why am I here? I was unconscious when Elizabeth was kidnapped by the pirates, if you'd remember, and I haven't had a chance since then to see if she was at the Swann residence."  
  
"Didn't you just say that Elizabeth was kidnapped by the pirates?"  
  
"Er-yes. But I don't know that, you see. I can't know it. And, since you were rotting in jail, you haven't had an opportunity to learn that, either."  
  
"Clearly, this is a major plot hole."  
  
"Aye. But, let's pretend that you actually care if I get the Black Pearl, and we will undoubtedly spring upon Barbosa as he is about to kill your lovely sweetheart. Savvy?"  
  
"Savvy." 


	14. Two Chapters In One! Yay!

August, 2003. Isle of Death. Three minutes after the last chapter.  
  
"Men, we've worked on this for the last ten years, and we're going to get rid of this curse at last, even though, from an economic standpoint, it isn't a good idea. Could you now behave like a mixture between football fans and dogs, and bark in anticipation?"  
  
Barbosa forced the medallion into Elizabeth's hand and slashed her palm.  
  
"That's all? You mean the author couldn't think of something more exciting than the movie?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What a lame parody to be in."  
  
"You forget, this is not a parody, this is an rpardody. Now permit me to realize that cutting you up did not work."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Did it work?" asked an idiotic pirate.  
  
Barbosa pulled out his pistol, shot at the pirate who asked, and completely missed, hitting the support rope of the large chandelier that somebody had placed directly above them all. This, of course, cut the said rope in two and brought the chandelier crashing down on them all, except for Shawna, who, as a Mary Sue, miraculously escaped.  
  
August, 2003. Isle of Death. Immediately after we last left Jack and Will two chapters ago.  
  
Jack and Will entered the cave.  
  
"Hey, that's my girlfriend," breathed Will, barely retaining the common sense not to shout out.  
  
"Yes. Now, let's figure out how to rescue her."  
  
"Jack, they're going to kill her, and we're not doing anything." Will pulled out his sword and prepared to run into the middle of it all. In fact, he did run into the middle of it all, or would have, had Sparrow not tripped him.  
  
"What'd you do that for?" Will demanded, affronted.  
  
"To ask you a question of the deepest importance. Have you ever seen 'The Matrix'?"  
  
"You're preventing me from saving the love of my life and giving me a needed ego boost because of the Matrix?! Of COURSE I've seen the Matrix. Everybody has seen the Matrix."  
  
"I haven't. Anyway, you know how the dude can make the bullets do what he wants them to do?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I bet you that I can do that, too."  
  
"You can not."  
  
"Can too."  
  
"Can not."  
  
"Can."  
  
"Not."  
  
"Can."  
  
"Not."  
  
"Watch me!" hissed the captain of the Black Pearl as Barbosa shot his pistol at the pirate. Jack adopted a look of spiritual serenity not unlike the sort Buddhism requires when mediating, and the bullet made the chandelier fall onto everybody.  
  
"Can."  
  
"Hurray!" cheered Bo Peep, an etch-a-sketch, a viewmaster, several sheep, Mr. Potato Head, and a T-Rex.  
  
"That was neither Matrix-like talent nor falling with style," said Jack. "That was bad aim." 


	15. The Umbrella Part of the Title RETURNS

August, 2003. Island of Death. Immediately After the Chandelier Fell.  
  
Shawna looked at the struggling mass of bodies, and decided she didn't care. Most unbecoming for a Mary Sue. Wandering around the cave, looking for diamonds, she was surprised. There, amidst a pile of yellow and purple sapphires, lay THE umbrella, and it was staring right back at her.  
  
"Umbrella . . . ."  
  
"Yes," replied the umbrella, standing up. "I remember you."  
  
"And I you! I was dreaming about you the other day."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"About-the day we met."  
  
"And?"  
  
"And I remembered losing you that one night. It was simple torture."  
  
"I thought it would have been more complex torture," the umbrella said softly.  
  
Shawna felt her knees buckle, and she grabbed a large golden statue to keep herself standing. That voice-so.Sexy.  
  
"What is your name?"  
  
"My name," the umbrella continued in that sexy voice, "is Lord Egbert Ethewlwulf Ethelbald Ethlbert Ethelred Alfred Edward Athelstan Edmund Edred Edwy Edgar Canute Harold William Henry Stephen Richard John James Charles George Black London Umbrella XVI, but you may call me Umbrella."  
  
"That's a very dashing name," breathed Shawna. "My name is Shawna, and you may call me Shawna."  
  
"I shall indeed, then, milady Shawna," said the Umbrella, bowing and kissing her hand. "Shall we go?"  
  
"YOU SHALL NOT," Elizabeth said, standing up. "I'm bleeding, and you're philandering with umbrellas! How DARE you, Shawna!"  
  
"You are just jealous of my happiness, Miss Swann," said Shawna scathingly. "You might let us have some peace for once."  
  
"At least rescue me!"  
  
"No."  
  
"I command you, as daughter of Senator Dorris Swann-"  
  
"I thought your father was a guy!" Shawna said.  
  
"He IS, but my grandparents made a mistake, alright? As daughter of Senator Dorris Swann and fiancé of Frederick Norrington-"  
  
"You're engaged to Norrington?" shrieked Will, jumping out of his hiding place. "I thought you loved me! This is a fricking Disney movie. You HAVE to love me."  
  
Elizabeth's lip trembled. She DID love Will, but she realized that she must marry Norrington. There was no other choice.  
  
"My lip trembles as I tell you that I do love you, but I realize I must marry Norrington. There is no other choice."  
  
"Damn you!" Will cried, and he shoved Sparrow into their boat and rowed back out to either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria.  
  
Shawna grabbed a sack full of gold coins, threw it into the umbrella's arms, grabbed the umbrella, and swam out after the longboat. "WAIT FOR ME!" she cried.  
  
Barbosa and the pirates pushed the chandelier off of themselves, rowed out after them, and-well, there was a great big battle with lots of swords and shooting.  
  
To make a long story short-Elizabeth, Shawna, the Umbrella, Will, and Jack were all captured. 


	16. The Pirates Fail, But Not Because of the...

August, 2003. The Black Pearl. Three minutes after Elizabeth, Shawna, the Umbrella, Will, and Jack are captured.  
  
Barbosa eyed his captives beadily. "I recognize Miss Swann, Shawna, and Jack Sparrow, of course. But . . . what about you?" This question was directed towards William, but the Umbrella answered.  
  
"My name is Lord Egbert Ethewlwulf Ethelbald Ethlbert Ethelred Alfred Edward Athelstan Edmund Edred Edwy Edgar Canute Harold William Henry Stephen Richard John James Charles George Black London Umbrella XVI, and I insist upon you calling me by my full name."  
  
"But I may call him umbrella," Shawna said in a self-satisfied voice.  
  
"Somebody make the umbrella walk the plank," Barbosa said wearily.  
  
"I do not have feet!" the umbrella declared. "You are discriminating against umbrellas."  
  
"Then throw it overboard," grumbled Barbosa.  
  
"This is clearly discrimination on your part. You are," the umbrella said dramatically, "an umbrellphobic."  
  
Barbosa sighed. "Am I correct in saying that 'phobic' comes from the Greek word 'phobia,' which is a fear?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I am not umbrellphobic, because I am not afraid of umbrellas. I do, however, hate needlessly over-sensitive umbrellas."  
  
"DISCRIMINATION!" shrieked the umbrella. "I'll have the ACLU on you for this!"  
  
Barbosa picked up the umbrella and threw him/it overboard.  
  
"You bastard!" shrieked Shawna, and ran up to Barbosa, pushing him into the shark-infested water. This in turn caused the crew to shove Shawna and Elizabeth (although she hadn't done anything) into the water, too. The two girls (and the umbrella) swam to the shore of an island located conveniently close by. Barbosa climbed back onto the ship.  
  
"Alright, fool, what is your name?"  
  
"William Turner."  
  
"Is your surname actually Turner, or is it just an alias designed to hopelessly confuse me?"  
  
"Please, sir, I'm not intelligent enough to think up an alias that complicated."  
  
"And I am Jack Sparrow-Captain Jack Sparrow, just to let you know."  
  
"I know who you are, Sparrow. Please get off of my ship."  
  
"The Black Pearl is *my* ship, not yours. And it is currently surrounded by water," replied Jack.  
  
"You jackanapes, you're supposed to jump in the water and swim to shore!" Barbosa roared.  
  
William and Jack jumped in the water at the same time and swam to shore.  
  
"Damn it, that Turner whelp was supposed to stay with us so we could kill 'im! Attack the island, men!" 


	17. The Incompetent to the Rescue

August, 2003. Lott, Hillaria.  
  
"Senator, after spending several hours, perhaps even a day or so, in Las Vegas, I can safely say that your pirate is not in Nevada."  
  
"You idiot," Senator Swann told Leahy, "Ships can't go to Nevada!"  
  
"Oh, can't they?"  
  
"How did you get to Las Vegas, anyway?"  
  
"A fleet."  
  
"That's impossible!"  
  
"This is a bloody fan fiction, and an rpardody at that, so what would you know?"  
  
"Nothing, obviously. Very well, Leahy, you will take Norrington and me on an excursion around the Caribbean. And you will find this pirate, or else I'll do somehing really nsaty, evil, bad, mean, rude, and unkind to you."  
  
"And what would that thing be?"  
  
"Something that the author is too tired to come up with a good name for," snapped the senator in reply.  
  
"I see. Very well, let us board the ships!" 


	18. Cornish Pirates Make an Impact

August, 2003. The island which Barbosa ordered his pirates to attack.  
  
"They're coming after us!" shrieked Elizabeth in horror.  
  
"They're coming after us!" shrieked Will in horror.  
  
"They're coming after you," said Shawna and Jack at the same time to the horrified Will.  
  
"Run away! Run away!" Will screamed.  
  
"No. They will not hurt you, or us," said the umbrella calmly. "You see, in the actual movie, Jack had time to get an actual crew. The bad guys have to give us time to get a crew, you know."  
  
"Oh. And how do you know all this?" demanded Jack.  
  
"I AM THE UMBRELLA," said the umbrella. "So of course-"  
  
"You know everything . . ." breathed Shawna. Nobody noticed that Elizabeth was eyeing the umbrella with an admiring stare.  
  
"Besides, they cannot hurt Will," contined the umbrella.  
  
"And why not?" demanded Will. "They have guns and cannon and assorted sharp and pointy things. That would hurt me."  
  
"Because," said the umbrella dramatically, "you are an orphan boy."  
  
"An orphan boy-how sad!" sniffled Elizabeth.  
  
"But why won't they hurt orphans? They didn't care about hurting orphans when I was their captain," snorted Jack.  
  
"I know. But between then and now, they have discovered the actual pirates' manual."  
  
"The actual pirates' manual?" chourosed the rest of them.  
  
"Yes. It is a play of sorts, called 'The Pirates of Penzance,' by Sirs William Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan. The Pirates of Penzance do not hurt orphans, for they are orphans themselves. The pirates of the Caribbean are also orphans, and they decided not to hurt orphans. So all we have to do is say we are orphans, and they'll let us off."  
  
"That is a brilliant idea," said Elizabeth, staring dreamily at the umbrella and thinking of another way out of the problem for herself.  
  
"Oh, Umbrella, you are so intelligent!" Shawna squealed.  
  
"Why, thank you," said the umbrella. Shawna, of course, thought he/it was speaking to her, but in reality he/it was talking to Elizabeth.  
  
The band of good guys watched the approaching pirate ship. 


	19. Two Chapters In One: The Pirate King is ...

August, 2003. Approximately 0.001 seconds after the end of the last chapter. The Same Place.  
  
The piratse landed, and ran up to the good guys. "Prepare to die!" they announced.  
  
"I don't think so," the Umbrella said. "You see, we are orphans."  
  
Barbosa was confused. "You are? I thought Elizabeth's dad was still alive and well."  
  
"Yes, and before your pirate caravan procedes to kill us all, bear in mind that we are wards in chancery, and father is an American senator," declared Elizabeth, speaking of Shawna and herself.  
  
"We'd better pause, or danger may befall-their father/guardian is a senator," remarked Barbosa, then shook his head. "It doesn't rhyme."  
  
"You're of the poetical sort," said Shawna suavely. "Surely you can come up with a good rhyme."  
  
"Alright, men! Find a dictionary. We need to find a word to rhyme in this context."  
  
The pirates all scuttled back to The Black Pearl in order to find a dictionary, and Elizabeth, the Umbrella, Shawna, and Jack snuck away in either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria. Will was so stupid he remained.  
  
August, 2003. Some random port on a random island that is home to many pirates and prostitutes.  
  
"Will is missing!" Elizabeth cried as they stepped off either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria.  
  
The Umbrella said, in an unconcerned voice, "That is true." Secretly he/it was a little bit jealous of all the attention that dim-bulb Will received from Elizabeth.  
  
"Let's stage a rescue operation!" suggested Sparrow. "And I still need my ship back, anyway."  
  
"Yes, yes!" said his companions. "Let us find a crew!"  
  
To make a long story short, they found a crew, among which was one of Jack's former love interests, Ruth.  
  
"You left me for a blushing maiden of seventeen!" Slap. "I had saved up all my love for forty-seven years!" Slap. "Now you are going to pay for it by having me on your ship!" Slap.  
  
"I didn't deserve that last one," Jack said, rubbing his cheek.  
  
They all snickered.  
  
But, as they were about to board their ship, the sight of the Hillarian Fleet coming into harbor stopped them.  
  
"How could they have found us already?" asked Elizabeth of Shawna.  
  
"No idea . . ." Oh, shoot. If they found her here, they would certainly separate her from her dear Umbrella. And if that happened, the Umbrella might go and commit suicide, for what was he/it to do without its/his Shawna?  
  
"Di immortales," muttered Elizabeth, thinking that Will might die if the Hillarians found her and took her back to Lott. But, thinking on it, it might not be *so* bad if Will kicked the bucket . . . That Umbrella . . . But hadn't she already told Will she was planning to marry Norrington? And if Will died, what would that matter to her? She cleared her mind and quickly thought up a plan.  
  
"Okay, everybody! I have thought up a plan." The four hurriedly whispered to each other, and dispersed. 


	20. All Parodies Need a Barmaid

((A/N: Yay! Reviews! :D Thank you!))  
  
August, 2003. The Same Place. Fifteen Minutes Later. At the Sign of the Dead Fish.  
  
Senators Norrington and Swann, along with Admiral Leahy, entered the pub. A local lad had informed them that the name of the bar was an allusion to an Earnest Hemmingway book. They had actually stopped at this fishy island, not because they figured that Shawna and Elizabeth were there, but because Senator Norrington needed to use the restroom and the one on board did not suit him.  
  
"This is really a delightful locale, is it not, Senator Swann?" remarked Norrington to his counterpart as soon as he had relieved himself. "Let's stay for a drink."  
  
"Okay. I wonder if they have any cheap beer. I'm running out of ways of looking sophisticated."  
  
"Yes, a good round of cheap beer on me," exclaimed a delighted Leahy.  
  
Norrington turned to the closest barmaid, and said:  
  
"Bring us three beers of your lowest quality."  
  
"Yes and yes," replied the barmaid.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yes, I will bring you three cheap beers. Yes, I will marry you."  
  
"I did not ask you to marry me!" Norrington protested. "In fact, I detest any and all thought of contracting an alliance with you! Banish the thought from your head and remove thyself from my presence!"  
  
The barmaid snickered, and walked out of the pub, and onto either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria before removing her barmaid disguise . . . revealing none other than Elizabeth Swann.  
  
"That woman was of the lowest quality," said Sen. Swann. Leahy and Norrington nodded. Swann turned to another barmaid and repeated Norrington's order.  
  
"Oh, woe is me!" lamented a voice from Leahy's left.  
  
"What? Why?" Leahy asked the drunk man.  
  
"I used to be head of a pirate band. I was their king . . . ."  
  
"A pirate king?"  
  
"You know, better to live and die than to play a sanctimonious part with a pirate head and a pirate heart. For I am a pirate king!" the drunk man began to sing.  
  
"You're that person!" cried Norrington, recognizing the drunk pirate king. "The one I tried to hang earlier this morning. Or maybe that was yesterday. One gets confused in this movie."  
  
"Yes, that is me," Jack replied in a very sober voice. "I have a proposition for you, Senator."  
  
"Does it involve screwing the American people and their Constitution?"  
  
"Would I ask you if it didn't?"  
  
"Good point."  
  
"Anyway, could you send a ship after one of my friends? His name is William Turner. Since you don't know, because you two haven't come face to face in this rpardody, he is your rival for Elizabeth."  
  
"Then what's in it for me?" asked Norrington.  
  
"Lots of money and fame for capturing the pirates who have captured Will. You won't do any work, of course, but you'll take all the credit for it, anyway."  
  
"I like you. You could be a politician."  
  
"No. I prefer honest crime," the pirate Captain shot back.  
  
Senator Swann and Leahy agreed to this plan. Jack introduced the Umbrella to them, and all involved set out for the island whose name is either French or Spanish. 


	21. Bumbling as Bobbies

August, 2003. The Island of Death.  
  
"Men, I believe we have actually found Bootstrap Bill's son. This means we can make him bleed in order to relieve this wealth-producing curse. Who here wants to slit this boy's throat?" shouted Barbosa. Will was kneeling next to the chest of gold, bound tightly.  
  
"We can't! He's an orphan!" somebody cried from the pirate crew.  
  
Barbosa dropped the knife.  
  
"Dash it! I forgot that. D'you think we could let the general rule go for this once?"  
  
"No, that's sacrilige! Remember, we are orphans ourselves!"  
  
The pirates all thought about this. "Well, maybe we could get him to willingly give us just a little blood . . ."  
  
"No," said Will.  
  
The pirates thought some more. Soon, darkness fell . . . 


	22. Moonrise, Moonset, Moonrise, Moonset, Mo...

August, 2003. Either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria.  
  
Shawna and the Umbrella were standing in the small basket atop the mast, also known as the "crows nest." They were gazing at the moon.  
  
"It's so beautiful, Umbrella," sighed Shawna.  
  
"I quite agree," the Umbrella pompously remarked. He/it sighed to himself/itself. Sooner or later, this all had to end. The Umbrella felt that he/it actually had stronger feelings for Elizabeth . . . And there was something else. "Shawna?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Remember when we met for the second time-like, six hours ago?"  
  
"Is that all? It seems like such a long time. Umbrella, I need to tell you something."  
  
"Tell me as soon as I'm done with this."  
  
"Okay. Continue."  
  
"Well," the Umbrella thought about how to word this. "When I told you my full name-do you remember?"  
  
"Yes. It was so dreamy . . . and sexy . . . ." Shawna sighed. It had been dreamy and sexy, as dreamy and sexy as the past six hours had been. She had received her first kiss from the Umbrella. Somehow. Umbrellas really didn't have lips, but it had been dreamy and sexy all the same.  
  
"Lord Egbert Ethelwulf Ethelbald Ethlbert Ethelred Alfred Edward Athelstan Edmund Edred Edwy Edgar Canute Harold William Henry Stephen Richard John James Charles George Black London Umbrella XVI."  
  
"I remember . . . But it's just so thrilling to hear you say it . . . Say it again . . . And hurry up, I need to tell you something really very important."  
  
"Right. Well, my surname is Black London Umbrella, you know? And your surname is Black . . . I think we're related to each other. We could never share our love the right way."  
  
Shawna burst into tears. "Oh-oh!" she cried. "W-well, I-I n-needed to t-t- tell you s-s-s-something really important, any-anyway."  
  
The Umbrella longed to hug Shawna and tell her it would be okay, that he/it would always be there, but he/it couldn't . . . Not after he/it had just declined her honest love. Plus it would be anatomically incorrect. "You wanted to say something?"  
  
"Oh, it d-d-doesn't matter now! It was j-just that . . . ."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I need to go to the bathroom." 


	23. Norrington's Little Friend

((Author's Note #1: I thank Laurie R. King for part of her dialogue from "A Letter of Mary," featuring Holmes and Russell. All of you must read the Holmes/Russell series starting with "The Beekeeper's Apprentice." It is v. good if you like humor, adventure, and occasional references to G&S))  
  
((Author's Note #2: School has really been eating into my "writing fanfiction" time.so it will probably be a while before I update next.just so you know))  
  
((Author's Warning: There is a scene with Norrington in here that I really felt dirty writing but still wrote it all the way. It's really only three words, but those three words are really dirty. But they are also part of the conversation that held the inspiration for this fic, so they absolutely must be included. Please do not be offended in any way-I am not going to make sexual jokes a habit))  
  
August, 2003. Either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria.  
  
Senator Norrington was questioning Captain Sparrow. "Why the devil did you permit Elizabeth to wear that wretched cap when she was disgusing herself as a barmaid?"  
  
Captain Sparrow coughed. "Merely corroborative detail, sir, intended to give artistic verismilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative."  
  
"Since when do pirates go out for Gilbert and Sullivan?!" demanded Norrington.  
  
"Of all the actions I have been forced to do in my career, trailing a ship whose captain had an addiction to light opera and vaudeville was one of the most depraved. I might ask the same of yourself."  
  
"One of my ex-girlfriend's cousins played Pish Tush and dragged me to see it when I was staying near Oxford," replied the Senator stiffly.  
  
"An American staying at Oxford?" exclaimed Jack in honest amazement. "I never would have thought it possible!"  
  
Norrington sniffed, and said pompously, "I am a Democrat. I am an enlightened intellectual. Oxford is a place for enlightened intellectuals."  
  
Jack dissolved into a dry, hacky cough. "Pardon me, sir, but I could have sworn I heard you say that you were an enlightened intellectual."  
  
"You forget, Sparrow, that in my vernacular, enlightened intellectual and rich, pretentious old goat are one and the same thing. The latter is used for my coworkers across the aisle, the former for my coworkers on the same side of the aisle."  
  
"Oh, yes, the of political correctness. We pirates do not have to deal with it."  
  
"By the way, Sparrow-"  
  
"CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow-"  
  
"-I still will have to see to it that you spend at least a short term in prison because you have killed, raped, and plundered many people and villages. But I hope to reform your character."  
  
"That is very unkind of you, Senator. Surely I will be able to get off in the end?"  
  
"Of course you will. Virtue is only triumphant in theatrical performances. This is a fan fiction, not a theatrical performance. Since you are hardly virtuous, you will get off quite easily."  
  
"Oh. Thank you. Now, here is the plan. We follow exactly what they do in the movie."  
  
"What's that?" inquired Norrington.  
  
"You send me, alone and unarmed, into the cave. I will act as double agent and make the pirates come out to you. Then you can capture them and cart them off to prison. I will save Will, and he and Elizabeth can get married. You, after all, refused her on that island a little while back . . ."  
  
"True," muttered Norrington. "But that's fine. I've already found somebody else to satisfy me." He winked. "My right hand."  
  
Somebody in the audience stood up and beaned the author. "I didn't mean it in that way!" the somebody said. "I meant that he could use his hand to drink rum, you sick perverted and twisted FREAK! And I definetly didn't mean it with Norrington, although that makes sense . . . ."  
  
Jack ignored Norrington's remark and stepped into the longboat, preparing to enter the cave.  
  
((okay, I lied when I said it wasn't going to be a habit. Just bear with me, please! I promise it stops after this)) 


	24. Umbrellas Are People, Too!

August, 2003. Either the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santa Maria. At the Same Time as Last Chapter.  
  
Elizabeth pounced on Shawna as she emerged from the restroom. "Were you just gazing at the moon in a romantic way with an UMBRELLA?" she demanded.  
  
"Yes," snapped Shawna. "Do you have a problem with it?"  
  
Elizabeth, who secretly had a crush on the Umbrella, did have a problem with it. "No," she said coolly. "I don't. But it is rather odd all the same. Are you going to get married?"  
  
Actually, Shawna and the Umbrella had just broken up, but Shawna still said that she was going to marry the Umbrella.  
  
"I don't want to think about your relationship after you marry," Elizabeth snorted, clearly thinking of a *physical* relationship.  
  
The audience went "o.O".  
  
"I'm thinking gross thoughts. Eeew."  
  
Shawna gave a strangled sort of gasp as her eyes widened. "DON'T RUIN MY PURE AND VIRGINAL MIND!" she shrieked.  
  
((Warning: Dialogue form approaching))  
  
Elizabeth: "Mwahahaha."  
  
Shawna: "An UMBRELLA? EW!"  
  
Elizabeth: "Yes. LOL LOL. I mean, what happens if the Umbrella wants to stop? It wouldn't be able to tell you because it's otherwise engaged."  
  
Audience: "O.O EW!"  
  
Shawna: "But-Is that . . . part of the umbrella its head?"  
  
Elizabeth: "Or does anything go with umbrellas? Does the umbrella CARE? Would he enjoy it?"  
  
Shawna: "Is the umbrella even male? Do they have a gender? If not, are they asexual?"  
  
Elizabeth: "Are there umbrella breeding stations? Are they an endangered species?"  
  
Shawna: "Was our umbrella an acquatic version?"  
  
Elizabeth *small voice*: "Is umbrella sex satisfying?"  
  
Audience: *burn fanfic*  
  
Shawna: "I've never tried. But-is it possible to have umbrella babies?"  
  
Elizabeth: "If so, what would they look like?"  
  
Shawna: "Would they looks like human babies excpet they could open up and close at command?"  
  
Elizabeth: "How would they open?"  
  
Shawna: "A switch, one would assume."  
  
Elizabeth: "Well, yes, but I mean-HOW would they open and close? Would their bodies remain the same size and their heads open and close, or what?"  
  
Shawna: "And wouldnt their opening up and closing prove to be a concern with the female umbrella babies since men would take advantage?"  
  
Elizabeth: "Would there be any other umbrella babies for them to play with?"  
  
Senators Norrington and Swann: *have been eavesdropping on this conversation for a while and go off and have their own conversation about this*  
  
Norrington: Should one get tax breaks for having umbrella blood in them?  
  
Swann: NO! No tax cuts at all, even for the people who pay 97% of all taxes! No tax breaks! No tax cuts! We can't afford any of them! Speaking of things we can't afford, we could set up special government programs for people with Umbrellan blood.  
  
Norrington: And if we did-how would it affect the voting block?  
  
Swann: Well, if it affected us in a negative way, we could always blame the Republicans, increase taxes, and screw the Constitution, America, and our true friends and allies.  
  
Norrington: That's what we usually do. I mean something special.  
  
Swann: We could increase taxes twice as much as usual.  
  
Norrington: Excellent.  
  
Swann: Back to the Umbrella children. Would they be accepted by the rest of the American community?  
  
Norrington: If not, would they get appointed land to live on or ample protection from said American community?  
  
Swann: Would they be allowed to open casinos?  
  
Norrington: If so, would we be allowed to steal all the money in the name of Social Security?  
  
Swann: Yes . . .  
  
Norrington: Would casinos thrive on said Umbrella reservations?  
  
Swann and Norrington: *walk off thinking about more ways to get even more rich* 


	25. The Complete Idiot's Guide to FrenchAmer...

August, 2003. Chateau D'If Cell #34.  
  
The author, meanwhile, decided it was necessary to escape. She had been stuck ina straightjacket for over half the story, with no opportunity to get to a keyboard. Her characters (or rather Disney's) were running around having romances with inanimate objects, and severe lack of Mary Sueish-ness in Shawna made her depressed. Characters running around on their own without a strong, firm, guiding hand caused problems . . . or maybe that was teenagers. In either case she had to escape.  
  
Suddenly a young, rather hairy man poked his head through a hole in the wall which hitherto had been unseen. "Salut," he remarked.  
  
"Are you speaking . . . Freedom?" inquired the Author. "Parlay-voo angle- sahs?"  
  
"Tai toi! Your accent offends me, cherie! Je speak Francais."  
  
"Parlez-vous Francais tres badly," retorted the author in a grammatically incorrect form of "Freedom." "Je suis Angelique."  
  
"Je suis Edmund."  
  
"Edmund? That's such a stupid name!"  
  
"You English types-a have no manners!"  
  
"French pig!"  
  
"We French-"  
  
"You French don't even know how to spell we, how can you even begin to say it with a straight face?!"  
  
"We French spell oui perfectly correct!"  
  
"No you don't!"  
  
"Oui we do!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Oui!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Oui, we-"  
  
"Could you just go wee-wee?"  
  
"Je-What?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Thus the conversation ended. But it started up again.  
  
"So," said the author slowly. "Edmund, could you possibly get this straight jacket off?"  
  
"Oui, I could. But will I? Me, I am not a fool, I know you will put me into the jacket."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because you are American. America has never helped France."  
  
"So?! France has never helped America, either!"  
  
"No. But since I am French and Frace always helps, I w/ill et you, the ungrateful American pigdog, out of the straight jacket."  
  
The author snorted disdainfully, but let Edmund undo the jacket all the same, and slapped him for his efforts as soon as her hands were free.  
  
Edmund and the author looked at each other for a while.  
  
"You need to shave," declared the author at length. "Seriously. You need to shave."  
  
"You said that twice. Me, I am French, I will not shave!" But a razor was supplied by the author and Edmund shaved. "I hate you," Edmund remarked to the author.  
  
"The feeling is mutual. I-"  
  
But the French/American relations were cut off by John Kerry, leather jacket and all, storming into the cell.  
  
"By the power rested in me by my almighty ambition I declare you free!" he announced.  
  
"All two Americans such as you?" asked Edmund, forgetting his command of the English language in his shock.  
  
"No, hopefully not, or you are in trouble," replied the author.  
  
Edumund stuck his nose in the air and walked towards the hole in the wall. "I don't need your help in getting free." But he tripped over his shoelaces. "Could you give me a hand up?" he asked the author.  
  
"Stupid French git, I'd never help you." But she did anyway, he slapped her for her effort.  
  
"Hey! That's not nice," observed Kerry intelligently. "Please stop beating the lady up, Mr. Frenchman."  
  
Edmund slapped Kerry.  
  
"Don't, please!"  
  
Slap.  
  
"Stop!"  
  
Slap.  
  
"Stop!"  
  
Slap.  
  
"Stop!"  
  
Slap.  
  
"Stop!"  
  
Slap.  
  
The author left.  
  
August, 2003. Island of Death.  
  
While this last chapter was happening, Jack had put himself in the middle of the den of pirates after assuring Norrington and Swann that he would lure all the pirates out to see them. He didn't say how.  
  
"Hey!" he called to Barbosa. "I'm back, and I gotta deal for you."  
  
"You're not going to be making deals with us unless you put your eyeliner back on!"  
  
"But I don't have any eyeliner! My makeup crew went on strike."  
  
"Why the hell would a makeup crew go on strike?" demanded Barbosa.  
  
"Because eof an issue of cruelty to cells," Jack said emotionlessly.  
  
"Cruelty to cells?" Barbosa repeated in a dazed voice.  
  
"Yes. You see, some scientists place cells in blenders and grind them apart in a cruel process called fractionation."  
  
"And your makeup crew went on a strike to stop fractionation. Can't they think?"  
  
"Why do you think they're on a makeup crew?"  
  
"Good point. Now, we're trying to end this curse. But we've run into a bit of a problem. You see, this Will whelp is an orphan, and we can't hurt him- he would have to hurt himself in order to end the curse, but he won't!"  
  
"Ah, it might not be a good idea anyway."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I promised Senators Norrington and Swann that I would lead you to them, and they're all waiting to shoot you! So, I thought-why don't you see them and kill them?"  
  
"Ah, brilliant idea, Jack!"  
  
To make a long, scary, suspenseful scene short, the pirates took a little "walk." 


	26. A Random Little Note

Hmmm. I've abandoned this story. Well, I have it done and on my computer. I'll proofread the net version and post the rest of the story (not very much.) on here over Christmas break.which is exactly 3 days, 8 hours, and 3 seconds away.but who is counting? 


End file.
